yesterday night i try to get to my peace hall i my mind which i have been long time no get in there to clear my mind, i create this area when i was with JY because i constantly need to calm myself at that period of time with her, i now use this peace hall in my mind in meditation state to arrange my mind data, been constantly late sleep for a long time so mess up my brain a lot, i lost many brain power as well, so earlier in the night, i play little brain practice with my friend, as a display of my deduction power to them also, hahaha, been a long time no show off to get my ego and narcissism enjoyment, which eevee hate it very much and say no to me, hahahaha, i ask them to show me photo of their friend i directly say out their most obvious characteristic out, this time i analysis more than 20 and i get 18 above correct, cool, even i am surprise with myself too for being that accurate because last time i only can get around 30% accuracy, but this time is more than 80%, i doubt that my power is raised because been a long time i stop training, i guess nowadays those kids is very bad on hiding or cloaking themselves, that few friend that i know from playing football at taman polo are all stunned to know i possess such power, they wan to yc with me tomorrow to learn little trick from me, hahaha, which i never want to teach because obviously they gonna misuse it when they get it
last night when i was in my peace hall before i fall asleep, i suddenly think of i gonna attend Sam's wedding dinner in this end of March, my subconcious try to tell me something but i keep ignore it so i try to understand it this time in the peace hall, then i realise JY also consider a friend of him, she basically know him because of me, and we both owe him a lot, he help us get through many hard time although at the end we both failed, he use to fetch me to go find her because my dad don't allow me to use his car to find her, if i do, i have to plan out where to park my car but not too far from her house so i don't have to walk too far to her house to find her to have time together, because i need to avoid my dad come to her house to spot check me whether i am in her house base on the car i park near there, so i have to study all the place around there and my dad's level of intelligence of finding me to find out that blind spot to park my car, lol, so sometimes i guess ask Sam to fetch me, even many times he fetch us both go out for dating, lol, he is a good friend on this, he and Snake Ming, i owe you both a lot, doesn't matter at the end i fail in the relationship, i owe you both big time, and i promise to help you in the future if you ask and i will help you with all my power, so the point is will he invite her to his wedding or not, if he did, i will not show up that night, i have to avoid her at all cost after my mind confirmed her as my kryptonite
i say she is my kryptonite because few months ago, she contacted me via wechat, which i expected but been too far away from my expectation, i once said she will come to find me 3 more times after the hard split which i final it at my 21st birthday, something like that, i cannot remember clearly about it and i am glad about this because i succesfully erased those memory, first time she find me through phone call, second time she find me through her friend, nice try but too bad i already sense it from far away, then after many years, then she contact me again, it's really fishy for me because what's the point of contacting me after so many years we never contact each other and she know i don't wanna see her again, took me some days to consider to accept the request, my brain tell me to accept it see what she want to play, after i accepted it, i ask her to verify herself as JY, after she say something that only both of us know, actually i already erase most part of the memory that she said there, i can't remember it back at all, i only assume it's right since she really write it out and i only can recall around 30% of what she describe in the conversation, she ask me wanna meet up or not since she is in town, what she say really raise a lot of my mind alert, why she say in town while she can just say she is in kuantan? i think she try to bait me to say where am i, so that she can readjust her location if i decide to meet her, even when i was waiting her reply, i get anxiety like last time, which is not a good sign for me and my brain ask me to stop this game before i get myself into shithole again, so, i use back the old plan of mine, the master plan of mine, which is make her feel i am a annoying person, a bad person, noot a good boyfriend anymore, i changed, all these add up into her subconcious to repell me, hahaha, now i can say it here now because doesn't matter now even she know, she didn't know i know her heart got another boy long time ago because she declare our relationship is over, i started this grand plan so that we will fail in peace, i have to do it like this because i have to avoid other stuff in future, since we will fail our relationship, why don't i just go support her by sacrifice me? i told her before which i remember this very clear, if she ever like someone else when we are together, i will not fight that person but make way for both of you, haiz, sad story short, i succeeded and she go to that boy
so in the conversation in wechat, i remember back this trick and plan so just extend it, i say no to her at the end, she say fine and forget about it, this sentence also very fishy, let's say she purely just wanna be friend and clear about friendzone, why you don't contact me via my real number at the first place or whatsapp which will show her number? wechat there say she add me via phone number, so i would guess she try to hide her number from me which she think she can hide if i wan to find out, i would be extremely amazed by her if she can do that, obviously i already forget her number and never keep it and destroy all the copy i have in all my digital drive and hard copy, i know where to get her number to track her down but i choose not to, that little conversation already almost make me lost my mind and my feeling is going up and down, imagine meeting her will be like, second guess is she try to find me and make us back to couple status, if she succeed, i back to old days which i really don't wan anymore, i am very tired of it, third guess is it's just a prank from her friend and her on me which this theory is unlikely to be true, 4th guess will be she is in trouble and only i can help her, which is highly unlikely as well since she got many other people outside, anyway, doesn't matter, i deleted her from my contact list after a few days of thinking, i get lazy to think of it because no metter how, i am not going to see her again, i hope she think the same like me, go bug someone else, after this, i guess she won't come to find me again, and i hope so
yes, maybe someday some girl will read about this, but i guess this will be a good place for her to research about me before you like me and approach me, i really hope one day if i ever fall in love with someone again which i guess highly unlikely now after eevee incident, she will have to be my protector from the kryptonite, she have to be strong to protect me from the kryptonite if i ever meet her in chance in the future, i think i am defenseless when face my kryptonite so to my future love one, i will protect you from anything but this one you have to protect me untill you become my imune system and no longer worry about the kryptonite, be my mind and heart imune system
i lost my soul and heart when we break up, both my soul and heart leave together with her and i never get it back, i was blank for days when i break up, lost every will power and purpose, thanks to my mind reset protocol, after reset, took me years to build a new one and a new me, but i never rebuild my heart, i left it broken till i meet eevee, although at the end we didn't get together, but somehow my heart get rebuild because of her and i appreciate it, sometimes i am not so sure whether my heart get rebuild is a good thing because i use my heart break emotion to defend myself from falling in love again
i guess she still can make me feel because my soul and heart is still there, i hope my future love one can make me detached from there and attach to my future love one, hope my future love can understand this
sherlock holmes is right by the way, gonna sleep now, it's 5am now
