it's been a while since i write blog at here, i saw the last one is at 2015, been over 3 years since last update, i guess no one will ever notice i updated this anyway so i choose to write it, and i don't think she will come here to read my stuff also, i use to write blog and encoded it in a way that only i can understand it to help me to remember somehing signiicant in my life so when i am old enough one day, i can look back and laugh back myself for being dumb that time

now i choose to write something down before my mind system deleted this part of memory which i wanna cherish it although doesn't last long, very short lived actually

for people who understand and know about me, they know i am a very logical person and very noob in romance, about 8 years ago, i seal myself up after i break up with her after about 2 years of relationship and repel any girl that come close to me that i can see she got some interest on me although i never think will got girl like a romance noob boy like me, you can imagine how devastated i am that time, i almost take a vow in front of the "higher power of next level dimension" for staying single forever and never want to involve in any relationship anymore, somehow when i was about to do it, i can sense something whisper to me, ask me to hold my horses first, still got one and worth my wait, and i kinda reply say with one condition, she have to break my heavily fortified seal

after 8 years, someone break it at december of 2018, i really feel she might be the one, even though we like each other and grow feeling on each other, i have to admit i still fear to go full on her, i codename her Eevee, i consult some of my friend when i go after her and all of them say that i have gone too fast, i don't know, i just do what i should do as a person that like her, try to spend more time with her because we are in long distance relationship, at the end, we fail, she say doesn't feel right on me and made her decision to seperate with me before it become nasty, sort like "short term heartbreak is better than long term heart break" i don't understand at all that time, i spend a lot of time to think back what's the real reason behind this because i kinda think she lie about the reason and hide the real reason, i guess i never will verify it but only can guess

in that short period of time, i share a lot of my proud moment to her that i use my ability of foresee and predict the future of certain things and my deduction skill to help and save someone's ass, she seems kinda ok with it, i guess i step her mind landmine in a particular case and somehow i cross her line, another thing is she probably afriad that i might see through her and know some of her dark secrets and dark history of her early days, i actually saw it and i choose to accept and live with it, i choose to accept her pass but she cannot accept my future, haiz, can't do anything about it since she already made her mind and i fall into the trauma again, it's a very dumb thing when u got a very powerful brain power and mental toughness but very vulnarable when this emotion kick in

the reason she can break my seal because i saw something very beautiful in future which i codename the file "Grand Canyon" in my mind palace, haiz, too bad at the end doesn't work out, because i think she will interested on this deduction skill and learn it so that she can be more understand and see that future that i see but i guess romance doesn't work like that, i really wish and think she will learn it and can see through me that i really mean that i appreciate her and will always be with her for real, i guess she really don't like this thing at all because she say that herself to me, she is a clever girl also, she got deduction skill as well, just maybe not that acurate like me and more on negative side, don't ask me how but i saw we will have a challenge on our 3rd year if we are truly together, oh ya, i forget to mention she never say yes on our relationship, just pending mode but it feel we already are together, i choose to go after her also because i see the bright side and i know i can solve it before it came

although we didn't spend much time with each other on this pending relationship, but for the first time ever i can feel the heart warming feel from a girl when she take care of me , i codename that 2 incident as "winter wind" and "journey" in my mind palace which i guess i no need to write it here, just write the memory tag here will be enough, doesn't matter now, i already seal up myself again and even more heavily fortified than last time because i don't wanna be in relationship again unless someone can break this seal i put on my heart, i am back to cold blooded mode to defend my biggest weakness of mine being kena, someone ask me a question recently because he is first time in romance, he ask if come to a situation that is very dangerous and one of them will die, how will i do, i directly reply him i will never hesitate and sacrificce myself to let her to have second chance to live, i proved myself on my first ever relationship that i done similar thing like in this situation, i choose to defend her that time and spoilt a reputation i build for years, i codename that incident as "bunny ears 1 and 2", i really don't like that at all but i do it anyway, i just love her too much that time and overwrite that mind protocol

anyway, i guess i am fully seal up now and custom made another special layer of defence just for Eevee so that she won't break my seal again when we meet again and we will just stay as friend, i can stay as friend for this time because it's a peaceful seperation, last time is not, i won't avoid all the possibilities to meet her like the last one, i truly wish we can stay friend forever although cannot be life companion at the end

i guess i need to learn to keep my mouth shut now, not because of Eevee, but for a better safety of mine, it's fun and feel cursed at the same time when you got a very good detective mind but radar on at the wrong time